I think you all know how much I hate all the social stuff, and would really prefer to be holed up in my flat permanently. Well today I decided that I simply
had to get myself to Ikea and finalise the purchase of my kitchen. I really didn't want to go but eventually psyched myself up and rushed to catch the train. I got to the train station to find the Edinburgh-bound trains had been cancelled.
Passengers on the opposite platform told me there was some problem with the bridge. However I watched as freight trains crossed it, as did Virgin trains. I hate this shit. I hate being at the mercy of shit services. I hate being in a position where I have to
rely on this awful awful awful train service. I hate giving them my money. Fuck.
This was enough to topple me over. I've precarious all week. So I had another walking-home-with-tears-in-my-eyes event. It's all becoming too overwhelming for me, once again. The familiar
I just don't want to be here thoughts came into my head. I reached home and thought about how I felt. Tried to identify what I was feeling. Tried to identify the emotions and the feelings.
frustrated
frustrated
frustrated
overwhelmed
angry
powerless
tired
frightened
I sat in a familiar catatonia. Not really knowing how to dissipate the anger. Then a rage rose in me and I phoned RailTrack to find out why the commuter trains were cancelled yet others were going through. I got my answer. Perhaps the only one I could have accepted.
"There has been a fatality on the line." Well,
there but for the grace of God go I was my first thought. Poor bastard. I hope it was quick.
Roused, I did the washing up, bought some chocolate, listened to the
Look Back in Anger radio play (the entire glorious thing)*, and spent a couple of hours productively putting DVDs and books onto eBay, to sell. I'm now thinking of cooking soup.
*
[You may listen to it again here.]