sweet jane

I seem to leave a trail of destruction behind me. Readers of this blog will be familiar with the brother incident, the friend incident, the boss incident. Not bad for 7 months. Well, dear reader, it is with great sadness that I add another one to my list: my dear friend, C.

C has been a saint, and a total delight. She has supported me, and listened, and advised, and humoured, and empathised, and told me off, and laughed at me, and laughed with me. She has forgiven so much from me, I who have a desperate need to give and take, but confuse the two. In return I have been a loyal friend. She knows how very grateful I am for her friendship, and I tell her a lot. Only a week ago I bought her a massage from the lovely masseuse we both see, because she was tired, and because I wanted to say thank you for some advice she had generously given me.

Things have been odd the last couple of weeks. She's been quiet, and has told me it is because she is tired from her new job and because she is fluey. So I've done what I do... and that is to do most of the talking. Actually, do you know what, I can't be bothered telling you the who-said-what and the why-it's-gone-to-pot boring details. Suffice to say that we had a 2 hour discussion at lunchtime today, and my fragile trust has been damaged. I don't think I've done anything wrong. Which is quite a pronouncement, from me, the most neurotic and self-flagellating person you are likely to meet. I am always willing to accept blame for everything, so it is significant that I Know I am not at fault this time.

I learn from these things though. I watch and I listen, and I think about what is happening and what has happened. And how I can avoid it happening again. The main thing I've learnt is: Even if someone encourages you to talk about how you are feeling, they don't want to hear it.. That saddens me.

The CBT is making me look for something positive in this. And the positive is that I've learnt a lot about myself. And that I've had the support and friendship of a lovely person. I am on my own again, and my thoughts and worries will again be a swirling mess in my head. There is no longer anyone to talk them through with. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't relieved.

So, I am putting a block on my email, and unplugging my phone. I'll have an excuse ready if she phones or drops by the office. This marks the end of a chapter, in a book I no longer wish to read.